I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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