Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
what day is it and did you see me today?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
