You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Im part way to drunk.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
