I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
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