I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
