I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Randomize
