I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
