My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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