Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
Randomize
