I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
