I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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