If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Randomize
