rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve
clearly you are not from wisconsin
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
