The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
