***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Randomize
