i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
