Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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