I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
