i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
