$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
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