a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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