smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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