Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
