I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Randomize
