if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
Randomize
