My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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