i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
