It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
My dick has a subreddit
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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