i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
