After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
