so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
