So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Randomize
