I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
