he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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