I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
