i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
