I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
