u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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