PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
