So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
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