People in love make me want to vomit
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here
you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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