GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
