Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
