I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
He has to be employed and covid free. That’s my standard. I can’t be picky. 2020 has killed my sex life.
Randomize
