I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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