I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
