NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
My liver is preforming stress tests.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
