Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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