btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
