I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
